Bizarre Nicolas Cage Merchandise Ranked From Most To Least Practical

GETTY IMAGE/ AMAZON / ETSY

All this week, Uproxx will be paying tribute to the many facets of Nicolas Cage, from his big-screen triumphs to the legends that have come to surround him and the cult following both have helped create. Next: A look at some products from the far reaches of Cage fandom.

For some, Nic Cage fandom is a sometimes thing. They watch his movies, snicker at his adventures in the dinosaur bone trade, and ponder the meaning of photographic evidence that he might be a vampire. But then there are the others who refuse to exit the cage. To them, he is more than a (sometimes needlessly) explosive actor, hair chameleon, and oddity. He’s an unrelenting fascination and someone worthy of constant tribute. This ranking (from most to least practical) is for those people (and you, a budding enthusiast or curious observer) because these unique and possibly disturbing products — which can be found on Amazon and Etsy — are pretty much only for them.

Wallet

AMAZON

Cost: $30.00
Where: Etsy
Who It’s For: People who like to carry cash so that they’re never in a situation where they have to tip a waitress with a portion of their theoretical lottery winnings, thus creating a ripple effect that ruins a marriage and results in financial chaos. Also, people who like to hold onto their receipts for tax time. Always a good idea.

Face Pillow

AMAZON

Cost: $19.95
Where: Amazon
Who It’s For: People who aren’t afraid of contact nightmares and those who want to give pillow-y Nic Cage a kiss before taking a nap. Also, if there are novelty throw pillow enthusiasts, this is one of many Nic Cage pillowcases on Amazon. Many. (I bought one with a shirtless Cage coming out of a banana peel. This list is dangerous.)

Pickle Meme Mug

ETSY

Cost: $10.64
Where: Etsy
Who It’s For: People who prefer drinking coffee out of a mug over drinking it straight from the pot a la Johnny Blaze, people who need a giggle with their coffee after surviving a bender in Las Vegas, and anyone who understands why Cage’s face in a pickle qualifies for meme status. Because it’s like we’re not even trying anymore.

Coloring And Activity Book

AMAZON

Cost: $10.57
Where: Amazon
Who It’s For: Parents who want to share their love of Nic Cage with their children, guide Cameron Powe through a maze out of prison, count bees, or color in 50 cars (over the course of one night to save Giovanni Ribisi’s life). Also, apparently, me because I bought this too. That’s the last admission but not the last purchase. Cage’s face is now my desktop image. What’s happening?

Lip Gloss

AMAZON

Cost: $35.00 for a set of five
Where: Amazon
Who It’s For: People who, like Cage, want to subtly tweak their look to better conquer whatever role each new day brings. Also, people who like to pack conversation starters in their purse or chart the evolution of style with Cage as their guide.

Car Decal

AMAZON

Cost: $10.99
Where: Amazon
Who It’s For: People who want to let the world know that their love for the star of Vampire’s Kiss is always on board and possibly more important to them than announcing how many children and dogs they have.

Facemask

AMAZON

Cost: $9.97
Where: Amazon
Who It’s For: Fans of fun and those who look in the mirror and wish Nic Cage was staring back. People who need a “fancy Dress Mask” for masquerade balls and Eyes Wide Shut style orgies (Where maybe everyone is wearing this mask? Maybe they offer a bulk discount?). It would also work as a disguise when pulling off a heist to save the Declaration of Independence from a rogue treasure hunter.

Why are there no cut outs for the eyes, nostrils, or mouth? A little more utility and this would have ranked higher.

Life Size Cutout

AMAZON

Cost: $79.97
Where: Amazon
Who It’s For: People who stage fake red carpet press gaggles in their homes, Face/Off fans who own scissors and the John Travolta life size cutout, Adaptation fans who buy two Nic Cage life size cutouts. (There are more film references but this feels like a good stopping point.)

Mouse Pad

AMAZON

Cost: $6.80
Where: Amazon
Who It’s For: People that still have mouse pad needs and students of nautical history.

Soap

AMAZON

Cost: $8.00
Where: Amazon
Who It’s For: People who are the kind of dirty that only Nic Cage can get clean. Also: Grand Moff Tarkin fans.

Nail Decals

ETSY

Cost: $6.00
Where: Etsy
Who It’s For: I do not know.

Pokemon Enamel Pin

ETSY

Cost: $13.00
Where: Etsy 
Who It’s For: People who really need to catch them [Cage collectibles] all. (I’m sorry. This list broke me.)